Share The Wisdom

Healthy Vs. Unhealthy

Recognize and deal with unhealthy relationships…some keys we use to develop relationships:

We have many different kinds of relationships.
We have friendships, romances, work and school-related connections, family ties, etc.
Each has the capacity to advance us, adding to our feelings of self-worth, enjoyment, and growth.
These relationships are healthy.

On the other hand, in other situations, we may find ourselves feeling uncomfortable. It can be difficult to come to the realization that a lover, friend, colleague, or family member is not treating us with the respect we deserve. Keep in mind that in all kinds of kinships, there is likely to be some disagreement, need for compromise, and times of frustration. Frustration is a function of expectation sometimes we need to evaluate our expectations.
These are not necessarily an indication that a relationship is unhealthy.
Some things to think about when considering whether a relationship is healthy or not:

In a healthy relationship, you:

Value each other’s differences; one of the strengths in relationships is in valuing each other’s differences not allowing our differences to drive us apart, using the differences as complementary to one another (Steven Covey)

Dwell with each other according to knowledge: If I love you, I will do things to enhance our relationship…things you like, not the things you do not!

Can resolve conflicts satisfactorily:
In conflict, a suggestion is to role play: You are at the restaurant, one is the order taker the other is ordering, the order takers job is to take the order then restate the order until the order is understood, suggestion: seek to understand first, then to be understood (Steven Covey)…you can not understand without listening!
Understand them by listening intently, and restate their position. The order takers job is to listen only, not interject, we all need understanding, when we have an understanding, we feel validated, valued and appreciated (Steven Covey)… this is one way to resolve conflicts.

Can trust each other:
Trust is difficult, and earned, not given, and this takes time…
To build the emotional bank account, or trust account, you make deposits by your actions or reactions, by listening intently, listening with your eyes. Sometimes it is not words but body language… you cannot withdraw more than you deposit, (Steven Covey) old scripts we have in our minds by our experiences that can manipulate our ability to trust, it takes time to write new scripts…

Communicate clearly and openly, suggestion: being open about differences in opinion, goals, and dreams.
Not necessarily speaking your mind, but having discretion with your words, so that we don’t cut the others head off in the process of getting to the point, by prefacing our words with perhaps… “Just a suggestion…“or “you probably know, this really bugs me…”.
Not by shoving it under the rug only to resurface again, expressing ones needs & expectations and again valuing each other’s differences… (Steven Covey)
Sometimes it is not so easy to decide if a troublesome tie should be maintained the way it is, worked on, or ended before it goes any further. One thing to consider is if the relationship was ever different than it is now, be conscious to recognize is there something stressful happening that could be affecting the way you interact? Maybe money is tight, you've moved, are looking for work, are dealing with a difficult family circumstance, or are going through some other kind of transition. Or maybe there are problems from a while back that were never resolved, and are now resurfacing. What in particular is bothering you, and what would you like to see change? Talk over these questions with each other, or with someone you trust, like a friend, teacher, or counselor. Think about what, if anything, you can each do to make the other feel more comfortable in the relationship.

Are each sexual by choice

Treat each other with respect

Feel secure and comfortable

Are not violent with each other

Enjoy the time you spend together

Support one another

Take interest in one another's lives: health, family, work, etc.

Have privacy in the relationship

Have letters, phone calls, and e-mail that are your own

Make healthy decisions about alcohol or other drugs

Encourage other friendships

Are honest about your past and present sexual activity if the relationship is intimate

Know that most people in your life are happy about the relationship

Have more good times in the relationship than bad, hey, that would be a plus!

Does this ring a bell?

In an unhealthy relationship, one or both of you:

Try to control or manipulate the other
Make the other feel bad about her-/him
Ridicule or call names
Dictate how the other dresses
Do not make time for each other
Criticize the other's friends
Are afraid of the other's temper
Discourage the other from being close with anyone else
Ignore each other when one is speaking
Are overly possessive or get jealous about ordinary behavior
Criticize or support others in criticizing people with your gender, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion, disability, or other personal attribute
Control the other's money or other resources (e.g., car)
Harm or threaten to harm children, family, pets, or objects of personal value
Push, grab, hit, punch, or throw objects
Use physical force or threats to prevent the other from leaving

If a partner, friend, or colleague is harming you or your loved ones physically, emotionally, or sexually, it is time to seek help. If s/he is encouraging other harmful behaviors, like abuse of alcohol or other drugs, unsafe sexual activity, or other activities that make you feel uncomfortable, you have a right to leave. There are many resources available to help you. Perhaps the most important thing to do is to trust your instincts and the people close to you whose opinions you trust and value. Each one of us deserves to feel safe, valued, and cared for. Keep in mind that one of the strongest signs of a healthy relationship is that both people involved feel good about themselves. In addition, by treating yourself with self-respect and believing in your right to be treated well, you are taking important steps towards developing reasonable, mutually fulfilling ties in the future.

Resources for people dealing with unhealthy relationships:

24-hour National Domestic Violence Hotlines (7 days a week)
National Bilingual Hotline: (800) 799-SAFE (-7233)
(will translate into over 130 languages)
TTY: (800) 787-3224

National Association of Social Workers, Inc. (NASW)
(provides referrals to social workers and services)
(202) 408-8600

American Psychological Association (APA)
(offers a practice directory for referrals to psychological services)
(800) 374-2721 / (202) 336-5500
TTY: (800) 374-2721 (x6123)

YMCA of the U.S.A.
(800) 872-9622 / (312) 977-0031

YWCA of the U.S.A.
(800) YWCA-US1 (992-2871) / (212) 273-7800

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Thank you
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Greatings, Where are you from? Is it a secret? :)

Thoughts ...
Here's an experience... I want to give you an experience!

OK... Lets say you feel low... this is the accuser, these are not your thoughts... these were suggestions or injections in the battlefield of the mind. These are thoughts designed to distract you from harmony and destroy your peace.
Thoughts are going to come, you can not stop them, but: Thoughts that do not form words or actions soon die unborn. Thoughts are like birds that fly over your head, you cant stop a bird from flying over you head, but you can stop them from making a nest in your hair! Sela.... (you probably know this means to pause and calmly think about that.)

If your thoughts are not in harmony then you are not thinking right.
If your thoughts are not confidence
If your thoughts are not benefit
If your thoughts are not encouraging
If your thoughts are of doubt and unbelief, you are not thinking right.
We need to provide a solution with our thoughts and reactions, it doesn't matter what happens to you it matters how you react : LIFE = 10% what happens 90% reaction...
This creates freedom and empowers us, when we represent it to ourselves in a way that provides a solution of harmony in our relationships.

If you want to get rich quick... count your blessings or get into comparative mentality:
Compare your challenges to those that REALLY have challenges...There was a man that was held captive in a hole in the ground those that held him had machine guns...this hole was used for their bathroom...this man said to himself if I can make it one more second then I can make it through this...after 2 months he was saved by United States special forces... Our life is what we make it...good or bad we represent our life to our self...we are the master of our life, and our happiness does not come from another...it is our choice.

I would like to be able to to communicate by making sure that we understand each other: 99% of relationship challenges or problems are because of a misunderstanding usually a result of assumptions based upon a lack of information, or having only part of the equation: not having all the numbers.

So then how do we really understand each other ?
By listening to one and giving one the opportunity to be listened to.
YOU CANNOT UNDERSTAND IF YOU DON'T LISTEN.
YOU CANNOT UNDERSTAND IF YOU HANG UP THE PHONE.

So then the current strategy:

1) Hear a piece of information

2) CREATE A CONCLUSION,,, INVENT A CONCLUSION with only a grain of sand on a beach in the WHOLE mathematical equation.

3) Hang up the phone.
Do not allow the other to provide you with rest of information so that you can the see the whole picture, deny yourself the flavors of all the ingredients... since you don't care to make the recipe RIGHT and taste good ...thus allow yourself to hurt yourself with thoughts and ingredients of disharmony, which are not a part of the recipe of harmony, and therefore believing a lie.

4) CREATE a by product of attitude in the other so that they don't even want to give the rest of the ingredients to create harmony.
(HE is thinking disharmony now: A repeat performance: I CANT BELIEVE SHE DOES THIS AGAIN...
She never even gave me a chance to say anything.

5) HE is thinking more disharmony: A pattern exist...more evidence to support the verdict of the way she is and is going to stay,,, he picks up another bead to put on his necklace now there are two beads for this one...he has many necklaces that others have helped him to make...we call these experience creation necklaces they help us make decisions based upon our experiences and influences in the life of the normal human...for the moment the old man he learned to be before he became a citizen of heaven crawls out of his grave...

How could this happen? WE didn't look in the mirror today...

THE MIRROR

YOU are an alien here...
The mirror is crucial to aliens, to you and your life on this planet.. a planet which you are not from, there are very few of you on this planet.

If you do not look in the mirror you forget what manner of being you are.
You must keep the mirror with you at all times.
The mirror is your agreements...we need to write new agreements as we learn more about ourselves to create experience necklaces to replace to old ones.

NEW AGREEMENT:
I will seek FIRST to understand.
I will give one the opportunity to communicate as so to understand.
I will listen intently, I will listen with my eyes.
I will receive ALL the information first.
I will give feedback.
I will make sure the other knows that I understand by FEEDBACK.

4 rules of communication:

1) Delivery: In a delivery no one has to be present.
2) Reception: In order for reception to happen, one must be present.
3) Interpretation: Listening intentionally
4) Feedback: Making sure we understand by repeating back to the other what was interpreted:

So what you are saying is that you are concerned by this and this, is that what you are saying?

Everyone wants to be understood.
No one wants to misunderstood.
When one is understood they are validated and appreciated and great deposits are made in the emotional bank account... it works miracles!

99% of relationship challenges or problems are because of a misunderstanding usually a result of assumptions based upon a lack of information, or having only part of the equation: not having all the numbers.

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Associations...there are only two things that motivate us : Pain or Pleasure...
We tend to be more motivated by avoiding pain than receiving pleasure... that said, we associate from our experiences to pain or pleasure...example: you had a bad relationship so you with definite of purpose decide to not have a relationship...relationship to you equals pain and by extension trust equals pain, so then when someone steps on your toes you clam up and don't express what has happened because of the trust account has been depleted or overdrawn, this extends to every relationship you have.
There are two ways to understand: you have to listen, and they have to speak...if I step on your toes, you have to tell me when I step on your toes, else how would I know?
I was in a relationship where she says to me :"You don't have a clue!" Well that is true because you never gave me a clue...who has the clue?

This can be a root of fear in the individual stemming from childhood: example: A father is not allowing a child to express themselves so that he can understand the child's perspective... this pattern is carried as an adult so that one cannot express themselves as an adult.
To understand a child, you have to listen: I don't understand my son... he doesn't listen to me...to understand one is to listen to them,and you cannot understand unless they are allowed to speak.
Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
I learned this from Steven Covey : The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People

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I know most people don't want to Change...

if you keep on doing what you've been doing you'll keep on getting what you've been getting...
One definition of being crazy is to keep doing the same thing and expect a different result...
in order to get what you've never got, you have to do what you've never done...

U do have to get old ....U DONT have to have the symptoms of some people who get old...

don't let your mind talk you in to believing in negative....

this is called an A N T Automatic Negative Thought ....

My friend Charlie is 81 and has no symptoms....
I am not sayin if you have symptoms they r not real...I am just not agreeing with them...

Just because the mail man delivers a box of rattles snakes doesnt mean I orded it or have to sign for it!
Change your thoughts Change your world!
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